How to Internet

Extremely sage and useful advice

The Internet has been around long enough that certain rules of conduct have emerged.

Here are five of the most important.

1. Correct people’s opinions

One of the most effective ways to Internet is to correct the misguided views of others.

People are allowed onto The Internet with wrongheaded notions about many things. The best way to deal with their ignorance is to savagely attack their opinions and share the enlightened wisdom of our own.

This is most welcome and instructive if their position is based on religion, politics, or another entrenched worldview. The more deeply-held the belief, the more likely the person will see the error of their ways and quickly switch to our more sophisticated perspective.

Expect a response along the lines of ‘Wow thanks—I didn’t know’, and a succession of thank-you emojis.

If we throw our energy into improving other people, we can tune out those faint, inconvenient doubts of our own.

2. Be outraged

An excellent way to sidestep the existential meaninglessness of life is to look for something online to get highly offended about.

Prime targets include a joke we decide to treat seriously, a comment taken out of context, and a genuine mistake the person probably regrets.

If possible, level accusations of racism, sexism or any ism we can warp to fit, even if it seems unlikely that was the intention. Remember, it’s not about those issues—the whole point of taking offense is to feel like we matter.

This principle should not be applied to people who already agree with us; double standards make life much simpler.

The more we whip up outrage about every single thing, the less we’ll have to face the eternal, gaping void.

3. Place trust where it belongs

The Internet is almost 100% accurate, quality content.

Among the most reliable places for solid information are influencers making medical claims without citing evidence or sources, and websites boasting a high grammatical and spelling error count per sentence.

Images shared on The Social Medias with commentary appended in comic sans or other compelling fonts are also completely trustworthy.

When considering important decisions, it’s best not to indulge our skepticism, as constantly using the mind can be very tiring. Even unlikely assertions can be relied upon when made by someone with an exceedingly high follower count.

Bear in mind that celebrities, especially if very attractive, tend to have natural expertise in complex fields like nutrition, dermatology, and personal finance.

4. Decide ‘the line’ is over there

What about ‘gray areas’? Simple: when considering what is acceptable behavior and what is not, we can confidently locate the line just beyond whatever we do.

Suitable topics for applying this principle include child-rearing, dietary regimes, etiquette, and general morals.

When Interneting, never make the mistake of taking into account another person’s circumstances. Seeing through their eyes and factoring in their culture, upbringing, and life pressures may lead us down dark alleys of compassion and empathy.

Instead, identify any practices beyond the arbitrary line we have drawn—then judge hard and judge fast; that way, there’s no time for complexity. Shame them on The Social Medias to showcase our superior standards of parenting, nutrition, morality, or existing correctly.

Keep in mind that without quick, harsh, and nasty judgments, 87% of The Social Medias would immediately collapse. We must do our part.

5. React to the headline without reading the article

To properly Internet, we must never become bogged down with reading. If a headline says something provocative or rage-baity, then let this be enough for us to heroically forego further scrutiny. React strongly and entreat others to share in the righteous ire.

We face a terrible danger if we ignore this advice and proceed to peruse the bothersome words that appear beneath the big letters. Often the headline’s sensationalism resolves into something more nuanced. Issues become less black and white and people’s actions grow more understandable.

In extreme cases of reading, we can reach the end of an article and find ourselves no longer appalled. There are even instances of people gaining insight about a complex matter.

We can best avoid these difficulties by not venturing beyond the title.

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The Internet offers many opportunities to bypass complexity, self-reflection, and understanding.

It would be a shame not to take advantage of them.